Tuesday, January 6, 2009


Sometimes I feel a bit schizophrenic lately.

Let me explain.

In the past few years I have dealt with lots of anxiety. The kids would get sick and I would hardly sleep, listening for them to cough (or something worse). I would imagine worst-case scenarios late into the night. I would bury myself in Facebook (OK, so I still do that occasionally!). I would call my mom and cry on the phone for two hours.

In the past several weeks, we have had several difficult experiences. Friends in crisis, students quitting at the last minute when we were expecting the money they would pay for the month, a mix-up over our small group, and more. I wish I could go into detail, but I can't really. Suffice it to say, we've been doing the best we know and it hasn't seemed good enough.

I have had days when I cried...a lot. I have had many times when I haven't been kind with the kids. Nick and I have argued over stupid stuff some days. But these things used to throw me into near despair. I wasn't sure things would ever be good again.

By the grace of God, I don't feel that way anymore.

I was reading John 17 yesterday, Jesus' wonderful prayers, and heard God whisper to my heart, "You know this is real, right"? Jesus really came to earth and walked as a man. Then, He really did return to the Father having broken the powers of this earth. There is nothing here that has authority over us any longer.

So...are there painful things here on earth? Definitely. Do they have any impact whatsoever on our eternity (apart from making us more like Christ when we let God do that work)? Nope. Through faith in Christ, we can look forward to the day when things are perfect, when there is no more pain, no more frustration, when things work they way they should. And our relationship with God allows us a glimpse of that day.

It's weird, foreign, strange to me. I have been sad and overwhelmed, but I'm okay. I'm really okay. I'm emotionally weary, but still functional. And I have hope for the future. It's strange to feel such huge opposites simultaneously.

Does anybody have any clue what I'm talking about? :)


  1. No. Not a clue. Just kidding. I know exactly what you're talking about and am just thankful that God's grace goes with us through it all, and that He loves us in spite of...
    And just for the record, I am thankful for you also... :)

  2. AMEN! And I'm thankful for you. :)

  3. I know exactly what you mean. Just today I heard a small radio snip-it of Billy Graham saying the exact same thing about our hope for the next life and not being overwhelmed by things beyond our control.

    I must have needed reminding twice today, because here it is on your blog too. ;)

  4. weirdly I had a conversation about this with Jasper last night. Bawling and all. Weary for having to go through this time and knowing every day when we wake up things are not going to change for a while BUT knowing that one day it will be perfect. Hang in there. Love ya.

  5. I know EXACTLY what you're talking about, especially the kids sick thing. I treat my kids minor illnesses myself, but sometimes I freak out when I can't be in control (high fever, etc.) I think God does that on purpose to remind me that I'm actually NOT in control, He is, and I need to let go of that anxiety and fear.

  6. I'm still "getting there" and wish I could say I was 100% ont he victory side...I'm about 80% there...ok 60..ish :)

    Thanks for sharing - you are certainly not alone in feeling this way. I find it's always worse at night and then the next day I can function in my 60...er 80 percent feelings of functional victory :)

  7. I wish I could say I'm 100% on the victory side too. Not sure we will ever be 100% till Heaven... :)