Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Jar of clay

Why does everything seem bad late at night sometimes? Have you ever experienced that? It's kind of a habit of mine. I remember nights as a child, when I would begin to get more and more worked up, and my mom would say to me, "Go to bed. You're overtired." And really, she was right. So anytime I feel sad at night, I always take it with that grain of salt.

But, I feel sad tonight.

I don't know what I expected this life to be - raising kids, having a husband, keeping my own home, etc. But sometimes I just get discouraged about it. My kids have tough days (wow, they do not enjoy the heat with no AC! It was 95 here yesterday!), Nick and I have disagreements, there is no end to the messes in the house...

I want to do this mommy thing well. I know all moms do. I want to do it better than everybody else. Is that arrogant? It might be. I don't intend it to be. Growing up, I always felt unique. I was always the leader. Being a mommy has started sort of an identity crisis for me. Any idiot can bear children. So, if I can't do it better than (at least) most people, what makes me important anymore? I am the entire world for Hannah and Audrey, but on days when they struggle, it's awfully easy to throw my hands up in the air and go, "That does it. I'm a failure." It all comes down to who I am in Christ and finding my value there rather than in what I accomplish. I'm not very good at that stuff.

I know these things:
-Life is a process, and nothing has a real, quick fix
-I MUST rely on God for strength. There is no one else who can give me what I need.
-Prioritizing is the only way to actually get to the things that are really important (like, do I deal with the messy bedroom, or read books to the girls?)
-This too shall pass
-God promises to complete the work He begins in us (like taking us away from finding our value in accomplishments, and showing us instead why we really matter)

I haven't had much to say lately because, honestly, I'm wrestling through things. Pastor Ross was speaking on Sunday about allowing other people to see our weaknesses, while reflecting the light of Christ at the same time. I have hope that on the other side of these struggles, I will be more like Jesus. I am determined, by God's power, to move that direction rather than the other. Although I have that desire that everybody has, to look like I have it all together, I hate that thing. I believe that desire is what keeps us separate from each other and alone.

And so, I will send this out into the void and hope it encourages someone to share their heart...with someone - anyone. We are all works in progress!


  1. to you, i say YES! yes, yes, yes yes yes.

    keep your head above water. they don't call it long-suffering because it's short and easy ;)


  2. I think we have all felt like failures in parenting. Kid's aren't easy solvable problems. They are complex beings who have ups and downs. Have you read Becoming a Chief Home Officer - by Allie Pleiter. It really helped change my persepective on mothering.

  3. saraw - :)

    Christina - I haven't read that one. I heard about it probably a year ago and never did get it...heading to the library website to request it. :)

  4. Sara,

    I am glad that you shared your heart. You are in my thoughts and prayers!! While I am not yet a mother, I struggle with similiar feelings regarding my direction and accomplishments in life. If God chooses that my direction in life is not to be a mother one day, then how am I going to further his Kingdom? Big questions and big PRAYERS. I cling to Jer. 29:11.

    In Him,