I love this!

I know of no greater simplifier for all of life. Whatever happens is assigned. Does the intellect balk at that? Can we say that there are things that happen to us that do not belong to our lovingly assigned "portion"("This belongs to it, that does not") Are some things, then, out of the control of the Almighty? Every assignment is measured and controlled for my eternal good. As I accept the given portion, other options are canceled. Decisions become much easier, directions clearer, and hence my heart becomes inexpressibly quieter. A quiet heart is content with what God gives.~Elisabeth Elliot

Our New House

We spent about 5 hours total at our new house yesterday, working on things. There's a reason this place is cheap. There were several gaping holes in the walls/ceiling, the carpet is in bad shape, and the whole place is covered in a layer of grime. Now, I'm not a perfect housekeeper, but if there's grime in my house it better belong to someone in my own family.

So, Nick took on the holes, and half a tub of spackle later, the holes are almost invisible. I scrubbed the kitchen floor and walls and the bathtub and bathroom mini-blinds for a start. We're looking into replacing the carpet (perhaps we can split the cost with the landlord) because there's just no way to live on it in its current state. Maybe during that process, I can actually get something other than carpet in the bathroom. Yuck. Carpet in bathrooms is just gross.

Anyway, lest you think we're about to go live in a dump, with a little money (which in theory we can afford because of how cheap the rent is), a little work, and some imagination, we will have a very cute house with a nice yard, and very little in rent. Two weeks till moving day!

Advantages of moving

Sometimes you find cute pictures.


This is Nick's Grampa. He was a famous accordion player who had a polka band that toured Nebraska back when it was largely Polish and Czech people. No joke. We have a tape of them somewhere.


This is my adorable husband when he was 2, with his dog Mochie. And you wonder why our kids are so cute... :)

Wow.

The list in my brain gets overwhelming some days. Actually, today it's a list of lists.

People I need to call back
People I need to see in the next week or so
Things I need to buy
Things I need to do to get money for the things I need to buy (sell junk on Craig's List, get a late check from a student, call back potential new students, etc.)
Meetings I need to go to
Things I need to start packing
Things I need to take to the new house
Things I need to do to the new house
Random errands to run (Gotta get x-rays from old dentist to new dentist)
Chores that need to be done at home

You see how it is.

well-behaved women

Kyla wrote an interesting post today as she was processing the movie "Becoming Jane," which I would love to go see. Here is the part I found very interesting (hope you don't mind being quoted, Kyla!)

"This is off topic with the movie but I found it odd when I joined the blogging world that Jane Austen and her characters are held as the role model for femininity and "Biblical Womanhood". I always loved her books and her heroines for their non conformity and their independent thinking. Yes, they were feminine and and they adhered to the social expectations but deep down they were always looking for something more than what society could offer to them. Isn't that why we choose the books we love so much?

I have never met a woman who wanted to be Beth March or Diana Barry or Melanie Hamilton or Mary Ingalls or Jane Bennett. We always relate to the women who are different and whose aspirations exceed those limitations set upon them by circumstance and society. Does anybody else find this to be true? If we were going to use these novels as a guidebook to how to live right, then we should look at the side characters rather than the leading ladies as our role models. Maybe I am missing why people have chosen this time period to be the standard by which we should live."

Jane Austen's time period was one of women not afraid to be feminine, and of polite, gentle manners that appeal to lots of bloggers, that is for sure. But I think Kyla's right - they miss the part about the heroine's fight against that very society. The women who rebel always seem to be the ones who end up happiest. The submissive ones have sad stories. Think of Diana Barry - didn't she end up in an unhappy marriage and eventually widowed, never having done or seen anything except the town where she was born? Mary Ingalls really did get scarlet fever (is that right?) and went blind. Jane Bennett might be a role model, she was just quiet and therefore hard to fully understand and relate to. She at least ended up with a good man and a happy life.

The rebellious ones appeal to us, I think, because women (and men, for that matter) long for adventure in life. In the words of John Eldredge, "to have an irreplaceable part in a grand adventure." We want the rebellious ones to win, because it somehow validates our own desperation with...monotony.

I have always liked that bumper sticker that says, "Well-behaved women rarely make history."

I have thought about this stuff a lot lately though, and the fact is, caring for my husband, staying home with my kids, leading a quiet, peaceful existence and daily pursuing a deep relationship with God IS counter-culture right now. Nobody tells us that keeping our marriage strong and raising our kids to be people of God is a higher calling than saving the world, but I believe it is!

Well.

We are refinancing the Jetta! Not a great interest rate, but the payment will stay the same, and I get to keep my car. :) We may still try to sell it, but are planning on saving up money to fix the door, etc. So, a good end to the story. We go to sign the paperwork tonight. That's a relief!

The garage sale was a success. We have sold some of the bigger things on Craig's List so we didn't make a ton at the actual sale, but overall we were pleased with the result.

I went and found Hannah some new clothes at Old Navy Saturday night. Their stuff is SO cheap when it's on sale. Nice. Suddenly none of her 2T stuff fit. Funny how they grow overnight like that.

Church was exciting yesterday. We went to the morning and evening services, which has become unusual for us since having little kids. Pastor Brady seems like a really good guy. His sermon Sunday morning showed some of his strengths, which match up incredibly with New Life's weaknesses. It seems that he will bring a new perspective that is sorely needed around here - both at New Life and in the city as a whole. Wednesday night we get to go to a small group leader meeting with Pastor Brady. Thursday night is a big women's meeting I will attend with my small group. Sunday is church all day again. Choir starts with a huge family picnic next week. Things have seemed so quiet all summer, but they are definitely picking up.

I have to go to the dentist this week. Ew. I inherited my Dad's terrible teeth. It makes for "fun" cleanings pretty much every time.

Somewhere in here, I HAVE to start packing. Even one box would be good!

Huh.

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The Midland "You have a Midland accent" is just another way of saying "you don't have an accent." You probably are from the Midland (Pennsylvania, southern Ohio, southern Indiana, southern Illinois, and Missouri) but then for all we know you could be from Florida or Charleston or one of those big southern cities like Atlanta or Dallas. You have a good voice for TV and radio.
The West
The South
Boston
North Central
The Inland North
Philadelphia
The Northeast
What American accent do you have? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

The Vitamin D/sunshine Conversation

I found this article today, written by a Nurse Practitioner. Definitely not an end-all authority, but fairly reliable, I would think.

"Today many of us work in sealed buildings with glazed windows, and we wear sunblock and drive everywhere in cars instead of walking outdoors. Any sunblock with an SPF above 8 will block the UV rays necessary for vitamin D conversion."

TC had a good point - do we want to lower our risk of some cancers, but raise our risk of melanoma by spending time in the sun? I don't know the answer to that. I sometimes wonder if the skin cancer rates are not caused so much by the sun as they are caused by the constant barrage of chemicals we are exposed to. I know people who blame it on the parabens that preserve...pretty much every kind of skin care product from lotion to soap to makeup. Or even on dyes in similar products. Who knows if that's right or not since it hasn't been studied to my knowledge? People 200 years ago certainly didn't have sunblock and didn't die from skin cancer, and I find it hard to believe sun exposure has changed THAT much since then.

The article also says this:

"Our bodies are remarkably efficient. During the summer months, even as little as 15 minutes in the sun (without sunblock!) in the early morning and late afternoon is enough for most light-skinned individuals to create an ample supply of vitamin D. Skin with more pigment (melanin) may require up to 40 minutes.

But you could say we are trading our longer lifespan for an increased risk of skin cancers, so don’t throw away your sunblock! It’s important to protect your skin, particularly on your face and scalp, during the sun’s peak hours (11 AM – 2 PM) by using a lotion with SPF–15 or more, preferably PABA–free. Melanoma is a serious condition, and I’m not in favor of increasing your risk with unhealthy sun exposure.

This means you should not be out in the sun unprotected for more than 15 minutes, twice a day, early in the morning and late afternoon. If you begin to turn red before 15 minutes, cover up completely or go inside. It is never a healthy practice to burn your skin. It is also not safe to use tanning beds as a source of vitamin D. Please click here to learn more about tanning beds and vitamin D."

As in everything, the bottom line is going to be that we have to make our own choices and be responsible for our own health. We can only do our best with what we know. Any other thoughts?

Ha!

Encouragement for moms

Hey, if you're a stay at home mom, this sermon by Pastor Brady Boyd is very encouraging!

And...breathe!

I haven't had time for writing many thought-provoking things lately. (Provoking, maybe, but not thought provoking, right, Christina? :) The past couple of weeks have been a whole lot of keeping my head above water.

The girls are currently napping, which is incredible. Actually, it is carefully planned. I have found that if I take them somewhere as soon as Audrey wakes up from her morning nap, stay out till they're exhausted, then drive home as quickly as I can and put them in bed, they will miraculously nap at the same time. If we don't go anywhere, Hannah falls asleep on the floor somewhere about the time Audrey gets up, and they tag-team naps all day. Fun. So, today was a trip to the childcare at church, provided for Moms who need a day out. (That would be me.) Nice.

The situation with the Jetta has become critical-ish. Our lease is up soon, and because of the hit and run thing that happened, nobody wants to buy our slightly damaged Jetta. So, our choices are to turn it in and pay lots of penalties for too many miles and body damage and then not have a second car, or get another loan. We don't like either option all that much. We're trying to decide what to do. Somehow or other, I am sure God will lead us where we need to go with this, but from our perspective alone it doesn't look too good. Take it from me: no matter how good they make these leases look, don't do one! It is a cleverly disguised way to trap people and thereby rip them off. We learned our lesson well!

A cool thing happened. Our next door neighbors were moving out. We came home that day and they had all their living room furniture out on the front porch. "Need a couch?" They asked us. Why? Turns out they couldn't fit them in the truck they rented to drive to Arizona. So, they gave us their couch, love seat, chair and ottoman, which we were able to sell very quickly. Extra money out of the blue for us, and a new living room set for Liz and Dave and...some other guy who bought the piece they didn't want. :) Thanks, God!

We are having a garage sale on Saturday. Come buy our junk. No, seriously. :)

Just three weeks till we move. I need to start packing now. For real. Although when we moved in here, we packed and moved in three days, and moving day was the fourth day after Audrey was born. I wouldn't recommend doing it this way, but it can be done. Ha! I literally do not remember that moving day.

Our church has found a candidate for the Senior Pastor position. And everybody breathed a sigh of relief! It's time to be out of transition and to move on in my opinion. Plus, the guy they found is fantastic. Nick has been listening to sermons by him all week long. He is sold. Lots of people, including us, thought Pastor Ross (who has been the interim pastor,) would get the job. Everybody was a little shocked when he didn't get a nod. However, he already has a national worship ministry - he's traveling to churches all over the place to encourage them in worship. If he became Sr. Pastor he would have to give that up. Who knows what things will change around New Life, but we're excited to move forward. The new guy will preach three Sundays and then there will be a vote. If he doesn't get confirmed by the vote, the whole process will start again because all the other candidates have been ruled out. Exciting times, I'm tellin ya. We are pretty sure he's pass, no problem. It's time to move on, and the work has been done. Let's trust the people in charge, and the process, and God's direction, and move on.

OK, I suppose I should go organize garage sale things...or else take a nap.

Sunshine reduces breast cancer risk

Yet another reason to forgo the sunscreen...

Toy Recall

Hey, if you have bought Sesame Street, Dora, or Diego toys at Walmart in the past few months, you better look here and figure out if they are being recalled. There are lots of them, and a couple of the ones we have are on the list, but were manufactured before this issue.

Can somebody explain to me why they can't figure out how to keep lead out of the paint they put on toys? It just doesn't seem that hard...

On God and Bridges

I came across this article by John Piper today.

All too often we are told that life is supposed to be easy. "Have it your way." "Do what feels good." The fact is, life is sometimes hard, and only God understands why. Sometimes I fear the death of a child or my husband. However, as this article points out, it is only by the mercy of God that any of us lives or dies. Ultimately we as Christians should have the goal to bring the most glory to God that we can. If He decides that a bridge collapse brings Him the most glory, we need to weep with those who weep, love people - whatever that means, and praise God for carrying out His purposes in the earth, despite our lack of understanding it. My seizure disorder comes to mind here, on a personal level.

Somehow this brings me greater peace than believing God had nothing to do with tragedies. Think of the plagues of Egypt. Who knows how many people died as a result, and yet God wanted to demonstrate His power to Pharoah and to the known world by bringing those terrible things. God is righteous, and He was righteous in doing that.

It bears repeating: the point of living on earth is not our comfort or happiness, it is God's glory. I am trying to learn to say with my whole heart the words of Mary, "I am the Lord's servant, let it be to me as You have said."

100 Things About Me

Kyla tagged me yesterday. Wow. Not sure I can do this one. I'll try! :)

1. I am the oldest of 5 kids
2. I was homeschooled until high school
3. I had a cat named Marie from the time I was 5, until she died while I was at ORU
4. I started keeping a garden when I was 8
5. I have a thing with smells - they either really bother me or I really like them
6. During my pregnancies I could not handle the smell of chocolate or coffee
7. When someone else's perfume gets on my kids when they hold them, I want to change their clothes and give them baths. This DOES NOT mean I don't want people to hold my kids! :)
8. I do not like to exercise. At all.
9. I grew up having chickens in the backyard. Among the ones I remember, we named them Buggy and Nellie
10. Soy, dairy, and caffeine make me feel TERRIBLE
11. I much prefer dresses/skirts to shorts
12. I don't use any chemical-containing stuff in my house...except shampoo and styling products. Haven't been able to give those up.
13. I have been to Germany, Switzerland and Mexico
14. I have lived in California, Oklahoma and Colorado
15. I went to Bible school in Estes Park, CO for a year. It was incredible.
16. I wore shoes as little as possible while I was there. I wear shoes as little as possible ever since.
17. I have had 6 grand mal seizures in the past 12 years.
18. I took medicine for a while and it made me sick
19. I started becoming interested in nutrition and alternative medicine because they help control my seizures.
20. Sometimes I doubt whether it really helps
21. I have gone in the girls' room and laid both of them down for naps about 10 times today. They don't want to sleep.
22. I really want a cat and a dog and some chickens
23. I am about to move to an old house, and I think (once certain things are fixed) I will like it more than I would a new house.
24. I once sang the offertory solo at my church for 5,000 people.
25. I have played with worship bands and led worship for lots more than that over the years.
26. At 18 years old, I was the secretary for my church's worship ministry
27. I worked temp jobs for a while, all over the city
28. I taught piano to the son of a famous worship leader for a while
29. I love to sing and play the piano, but most people only know I do one or the other
30. I have an irrational fear of stairs
31. I read everything I can get my hands on
32. I remember all of it, somehow
33. I would love to be in a band again
34. I would consider putting dreads in my hair and dressing like a hippie if my husband and family wouldn't freak
35. I would pierce my nose if...well, maybe I still will.
36. I love organizing stuff
37. I hate small talk
38. Because I hate small talk, I also generally dislike things I have to small talk AT: showers, girl parties, etc.
39. I love being in charge
40. I sleep with at least three pillows
41. I am addicted to Passion Tea from Starbucks, ginger cookies, and raspberries. Unfortunately, this probably means I am allergic to them on some level.
42. I usually enjoy my own cooking
43. I enjoy doing laundry
44. I hate doing dishes
45. I have a ton of books and no intention of limiting my collection anytime soon
46. I wear rosewater for perfume
47. When I am stressed or scared, my head and stomach hurt. Badly.
48. I tend to believe the best about people and am shocked when other people are mean
49. I often wish I could teach people things about nutrition or alternative medicine that would help them. If they don't ask, I have to assume they don't want to know.
50. Movies bore me usually. Halfway through, I don't care how they end enough to sit through them.
51. I dislike being uncomfortable in any way
52. Most makeup makes my face burn (it's the soy in it)
53. I once panhandled on Pearl St. in Boulder, CO. I played accordion in a group with my friends. We made like $40 in 2 hours.
54. We were WAY late for curfew that night
55. That is the one time I ever remember intentionally breaking the rules
56. I know how to teach people to play worship-style piano.
57. I'm working on writing a curriculum for it. I'll make lots of money if I ever get it done.
58. Once at a temp job, a random guy called up and cussed me out for no reason.
59. I got a letter of recommendation from the temp agency because of how well I handled it.
60. I am germ-aphobic
61. I keep funny things. I still have a piece of moss I once found at a summer camp. It reminds me of stuff.
62. Witty humor with great timing makes me laugh more than any other kind.
63. I read my Bible and prayed this morning before the girls woke up. (This does not happen every day, but I sure like it when it does!)
64. My church is one of my favorite places to be
65. I love sunshine
66. I have had a c-section
67. I have had a homebirth
68. The homebirth with no medication was easier than the c-section
69. I make lists constantly
70. I love gadgets
71. I read the instructions
72. Watching people dance makes me cry and I don't know why
73. Sweet potatoes are one of my favorite foods
74. I am very excited to homeschool my kids. This is new.
75. I love to shop, especially with my mom and sisters
76. The second I get in the car, I lock the doors
77. I hate feeling taken advantage of
78. I would rather get something done than do it perfectly
79. I am great at journaling/blogging, but bad at keeping baby books/taking pictures
80. I don't believe in leaving my kids overnight until they are around 5
81. My purse is usually a mess
82. I love being on time
83. I almost never wash my face and rarely break out
84. I never get tired of being touched and hugged
85. It makes me nervous when people don't make eye contact
86. If I thought my body could handle it, I would already be ready to have another baby
87. I still want to get my degree someday, even though it wouldn't change what I can already do as a career
88. I open all the blinds on the windows in my house every day
89. I like Loooong showers
90. I have always basically liked the way I look
91. I read every issue of In Style and Mothering magazines cover to cover
92. I hate wind
93. I have worked as an assistant for 5 years total, and I still get nervous before I make phone calls.
94. Waterdeep is my all-time-favorite band
95. I love watching What Not to Wear and the Food Network
96. I don't like cucumbers or watermelon
97. I usually feel inept at home decorating. I've been trying to just ask myself, "what do I like?"
98. When people use long words it makes me want to look them up and use them too
99. I am almost done with this thing!
100. It took me 4 sittings to finish it. :)

Kyla, I did it! :) I'm going to break the solemn rules of blogging, and refuse to tag anybody, mainly because I'm not sure I know anybody who will try it. :) If you do, let me know! Hope I didn't bore ya too much.

Letting go

I get attached to stuff. Places, houses, cars, things with sentimental value... They become part of who I am. I don't have a great memory, so I'm often afraid that if I get rid of something, I'll forget. Believe it or not, this does not end up making me a pack rat. I have no problem getting rid of junk...at least I tell myself that. I do come from a long line of pack rats, and my pack rattage does not compare to my grampa's, or even to my mother's! :)

In the next month, we are having a garage sale and moving. Some of the things we need to get rid of remind me of stories. Nick bought gold boots in England, for example. They are the ugliest things I've ever seen, yet part of me wants to beg him to keep them. They remind me of a more carefree time in life, when we bought things like gold boots just because they were funny. This townhouse, although very plain and on a busy street, is a place our girls grew up a lot. Audrey went from four days old to (probably before we move) walking. We are also still trying unsuccessfully to sell the Jetta, the car that was my dream as a teenager and college kid.

The fact is, I need to release these things. I grew up singing a hymn called "This World is Not My Home." It was running through my head yesterday.

This world is not my home, I'm just passing through.
My treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue.
The angels beckon me from Heaven's open door
And I can't feel at home in this world anymore.

What is really important to me, my husband and kids, and even my memories go with me even as we leave "stuff" behind.

My love

Three years ago Tuesday, I married my best friend.

It was a rainy, misty day, the coldest July day in Colorado Springs history. The ceremony that was to be outside was moved inside, to the barn already decorated to host the reception. Tables were pushed aside for an aisle, the wreath wrapped with ribbon and tulle was re-hung, and a horse and carriage came to pick up my father and me from my parents' house down the dirt drive. I carried a bouquet of wildflowers. My cousins played harp, violin and viola. A couple hundred people we love saw us exchange our vows.

It wasn't what I expected. The ceremony could not take place in the wet grass under dripping pine trees, but the barn was warm(er), and full of joy. The mist outside gave our pictures a magical quality. The caterer we hired fell on hard times and did not have the money to serve what he had promised. Nobody will remember the food anyway. The best man dropped my ring on the dusty wooden second floor of the barn. We were all thankful there were no cracks for it to fall through, and laughed. Pastor Ross, who Nick and I respect now more than ever, served us communion and made jokes about "all Nick has to do is be like Jesus."

And I married my best friend.

Three years, one c-section, one homebirth, four (soon to be five) moves, and one seizure later, I love him more now than I ever thought I could. We have two beautiful children, a relationship of mutual trust and respect and tenderness, and a great future. I love you, Nick.

Overheard

A conversation at our house this week, as we were grabbing lunch on the go...

Me: Hannah, would you like chicken and carrots for lunch?
Hannah: Uh...how 'bout...rice and broccoli?
Me: No, we don't have rice or broccoli, how about chicken and carrots?
Hannah: How 'bout rice?
Me: Nope, no rice today.
Hannah: How 'bout broccoli?
Me: (laughing hysterically) Nope. How about chicken and carrots?

When you can't have what you want...negotiate!

Is it enough?

I am a part of the revival generation, according to the band Delirious. All the youth events I attended as a teenager (and there were many), told us we were going to be the ones to fulfill the Great Commission. We would go to the ends of the earth. We would change the world for Christ. I ate it up.

Because I was skilled in music even as a young child, it only made logical sense that my part in that calling would be in worship ministry. I became passionate about learning everything I could on how to lead people into a more intimate relationship with God through my music. This is how I spent my life. There was a drive, a resolve, to be the best so I could really make a difference. I knew I wanted a family, but if God's hand was on my life, how could I resist? Why would I want to?

Fast forward just a few years. I followed my spiritual head (then it was my father) to a new church where nobody knew me. No relationships=no opportunities here. Just as the relationships began to develop, God blessed Nick and me with a new baby, and everyone assumed I would not be interested any more. At this point it has been three and a half years since I played with a worship band consistently. I am rusty. I'm not even confident I could still do it well without some practice. I have no opportunities there right now unless I go out looking for them in places other than my own church.

Here's my question: is it enough?
-to keep a clean, pleasant, beautiful home?
-to be available to people and able to sit and have a cup of tea any time?
-to raise my girls, though the days are sometimes tedious, to be Godly women who are smart both intellectually and emotionally?
-to devote my extra time to things that are productive and creative, like reading, playing the piano, planning meals, teaching piano, playing with my children, writing blogs, growing plants/gardens...the list could go on and on?

Because, I think if I could be sure that just doing that was enough to be pleasing to God, the struggle to be content at home might be over for me. Everyone sure had high expectations for me. I was going to be the one to change the world. How about the lives of two very small girls?

Is that good enough?

WATERDEEP

We downloaded their new album over the weekend (Nick, I hacked into your account to finish today. :)

Oh, my goodness, I'm excited.

Oh, my goodness, I love this

From a very long, very good post here:

"These belief systems invade the home and make the family unstable. As home keepers we are supposed to guard the home. These destructive philosophies of life come into the home via the media, the mail, the schools, music, literature, the new laws that are made, and even infect things like the way our food is produced, the way our houses are built, the arts and crafts of our era, and the way our government is run, if we allow it. The home is the last frontier of freedom, where the practices that make it good can be quietly enforced. The homemaker can determine to put what is good and lovely into her life and her home. She has more power to create loveliness in the era in which we live, than the world knows."

What a novel idea...we as homemakers have the power to create what we want to create in our home! This is what women miss when they become bitter and discouraged with their children and their home lives. It reminds me of Proverbs 14:1, "The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down."

I can do this. We can do this.

How to be unique

Then Moses said to him,

"If your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here. How will anyone know that you are pleased with me and with your people unless you go with us? What else will distinguish me and your people from all the other people on the face of the earth?"

And the Lord said to Moses,

"I will do the very thing you have asked, because I am pleased with you and I know you by name."
Ex. 33:15-17

So... Know God and be pleasing to Him, and His presence will mark your life and distinguish you from everyone else? It all goes back to that "seek first the Kingdom of Heaven" thing, doesn't it?

Pea Souuuppp!

Two random comments before I really start this blog:

1. You've never lived until you've Google image searched "pea soup." As my 16 year old sister likes to say, "I think I just threw up a little in my mouth."

2. Did you ever see "The Rescuers Down Under"? There's these ants running around a restaurant, and somebody drops a pea from a table, and the ants run around carrying the pea, sayng, "Pea Souuupp!"

OK! Now that I have that out of my system...

I made split pea soup for dinner last night. I put it in the crockpot at 9am. It had split peas, ham, carrots, celery, onion, and spices. Oh, and tomato. It was going to be good. I started it on low, but at about 1:00 I turned it to high because it didn't seem to be going as quickly as it needed to. At 10:30pm, I finally unplugged it and gave up. The peas were still crunchy. 13 1/2 hours total, and 9 hours on high. It should have been mush. Apparently, my grocery store doesn't rotate it's stock as often as I might like... The peas must have been old. That's the only thing I can come up with.

It's still sitting in the crockpot on the counter. What, exactly, do I do with a FULL crockpot of soup? Gross. I'm not sure whether to cry or laugh?

It's cloudy outside

And Hannah's watching Elmo. Again.

I have to teach a piano lesson today. Just the one. The only one I've taught in three weeks. Nobody wants to take lessons during the summer.

We all have runny noses. It's clear, so hopefully it won't be a big deal. (I'm sorry, was that more than you wanted to know?)

Somehow I need to grocery shop today. The co-op we go to closes at 6. Nick gets home at 6:30ish. Therefore, I have to pull off this trip every week. It is a challenge. Audrey goes in the Bjorn and Hannah in the cart, or Audrey in the cart and Hannah runs around the store. Either way, I'm wiped out after a 20 minute trip. Either choice has its ups and downs. I love bringing the girls with me when I run errands. I feel like it helps them learn. But it sure requires patience and energy from me!

I have felt terrible for the past several days. For some reason any time I'm under stress, my digestion shuts down on me and my stomach is...not happy. I nurse myself with a combination of digestive enzymes, DGL, and probiotics. The silliest thing about it, is the only "stress" I'm currently under is my own thoughts. Everything is good. Somebody tell my stomach that, please.

Tomorrow we're going to the lake again. Should be fun!

OK, I guess I'll quit procrastinating now. Have a lovely day.

Jar of clay

Why does everything seem bad late at night sometimes? Have you ever experienced that? It's kind of a habit of mine. I remember nights as a child, when I would begin to get more and more worked up, and my mom would say to me, "Go to bed. You're overtired." And really, she was right. So anytime I feel sad at night, I always take it with that grain of salt.

But, I feel sad tonight.

I don't know what I expected this life to be - raising kids, having a husband, keeping my own home, etc. But sometimes I just get discouraged about it. My kids have tough days (wow, they do not enjoy the heat with no AC! It was 95 here yesterday!), Nick and I have disagreements, there is no end to the messes in the house...

I want to do this mommy thing well. I know all moms do. I want to do it better than everybody else. Is that arrogant? It might be. I don't intend it to be. Growing up, I always felt unique. I was always the leader. Being a mommy has started sort of an identity crisis for me. Any idiot can bear children. So, if I can't do it better than (at least) most people, what makes me important anymore? I am the entire world for Hannah and Audrey, but on days when they struggle, it's awfully easy to throw my hands up in the air and go, "That does it. I'm a failure." It all comes down to who I am in Christ and finding my value there rather than in what I accomplish. I'm not very good at that stuff.

I know these things:
-Life is a process, and nothing has a real, quick fix
-I MUST rely on God for strength. There is no one else who can give me what I need.
-Prioritizing is the only way to actually get to the things that are really important (like, do I deal with the messy bedroom, or read books to the girls?)
-This too shall pass
-God promises to complete the work He begins in us (like taking us away from finding our value in accomplishments, and showing us instead why we really matter)

I haven't had much to say lately because, honestly, I'm wrestling through things. Pastor Ross was speaking on Sunday about allowing other people to see our weaknesses, while reflecting the light of Christ at the same time. I have hope that on the other side of these struggles, I will be more like Jesus. I am determined, by God's power, to move that direction rather than the other. Although I have that desire that everybody has, to look like I have it all together, I hate that thing. I believe that desire is what keeps us separate from each other and alone.

And so, I will send this out into the void and hope it encourages someone to share their heart...with someone - anyone. We are all works in progress!

Expectations

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about what makes me do the things I do. For example, I have a tendency to beat myself up about stuff. Everywhere you look as a parent, there are people with opinions about how you're doing it. Experts, family members, friends, well-meaning strangers, not-so-well-meaning strangers...all of them would like to contribute to the way I raise my kids.

There are always going to be situations in which I, as Hannah and Audrey's mother, need counsel and support. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about the times I feel guilty when we stay in our pajamas until 2. Or when the laundry doesn't get put away for days. Or when we have a tough day and we watch movies all day. There's this thing in me that says, "what would people think if they knew?" Here's my new thought: I don't care. :)

I have to raise my kids the best way I know how. God gave my girls to me, not to anybody else. So, here are the new questions I'm asking:

Does it please God?
Does it please Nick?
Does it please me?

If it's not important to any of us, why should I carry that burden? There are circumstances in which I will need counsel particularly to figure out what pleases God, but opinions that come in from every direction are not helpful. Cutting down the input to only the people who matter will make motherhood more fun and less stressful. For that matter, so will cutting down on the things I personally have an opinion about. Really, that's just a good way to live - whether you have kids or not!

Mmmmm...

We tried a GOOD local restaurant Friday night... Culpepper's. If you live here in town, you should go. It's cajun food, which is not something we know all that well, but boy, is it good. We ordered the "alligator pears" as an appetizer: avocado halves with mini shrimp and garlic butter spilling out. Full of fat and not really on the diet, but yummy as anything. We split a steak for dinner. It was spicy (even though we got the milder version) and crispy on the outside and very tender on the inside. With yams on the side that were sweet and buttery, and also a corn dish that we didn't really eat. Hannah had rice and beans with sausage and was perfectly happy. It was delicious. And afterward, next door, we decided to hit the "Gelatoria," a place that makes Italian style ice cream. They have a non-dairy blueberry. Yum. Not a cheap night, but we had so much fun. The girls had a blast, too.

The Color Quiz

colorquiz.com - You gotta try this. It's downright creepy. For anybody who ever had a hard time believing that colors effect your moods...this will convince you otherwise.

Hannah plays twinkle, twinkle

I finally captured this on video. Wait for Audrey's cheer at the very end. :)

House!

We found one... We move September 1st. It's tiny - 800 sq. ft, and cheap! And it has a yard. And we can get a dog...and a cat...and if I stay really brave through that adventure...maybe even some chickens. It's old and it has character, and we can paint and make it really cute. Maybe we can even stay more than a year. This will be our fifth home since we got married three years ago.

More on Organizing

Found this site today. I like to skim through lists like this periodically. I'm all for ideas that can make life simpler!

What to say?

I haven't known what to write again lately. I've started multiple blogs and then decided I didn't want to post them. So, today you get my random thoughts.

Our lease is up at the end of next month. We've been looking for a house with a backyard for cheap. Another move...this will be the fifth place we'll have lived in three years. Wow. We have to start packing in the next few weeks. Weird.

Our three year anniversary is the 24th. It feels like forever and a moment at the same time. Boy, have we grown and changed a lot in those three years.

Hannah is currently watching the Care Bears dvd Nick's sister got her, for the five thousandth time. I would very much like to break that little piece of plastic, but then where would I be when Hannah says, "Bebears?"

I made bread last night. I would be proud of myself, except for the fact that I accidentely used tablespoons of salt instead of teaspoons. It's still edible, sort of. That and the fact that the dishes are still all over the kitchen kind of cuts back on the sense of accomplishment.

Now Hannah is banging on the piano, singing "tinkle, tinkle wittle guy, tinkle, tinkle witta gar." Then she picks up the piece of paper and pencil I keep on the piano, scribbles a little, puts them back on the piano, and continues singing. It's just about the cutest thing she has done. I've tried to get it on video, but my little camera doesn't seem to pick up the audio well enough.

I got to play the piano yesterday. Through a friend of a friend, I heard about a little church that needed a pianist this weekend. It was a traditional, liturgical service - hymns and responsive readings, etc. I had to play the last phrase of the hymn for an intro, and then two verses. There was no songleader, so I had to play solidly enough that the congregation could follow just me. It was really fun, and because of my background, really easy. And they paid me $75 for a 45 minute service. That was Really cool. :)

I suppose I'll go tackle my mountain of laundry. I've been trying to do the laundry all in one day so it doesn't end up laying clean all over the house all week, as opposed to one load a day like flylady recommends. One day of folding laundry is enough for me!

This concludes this boring blog.

Worship

Guys, Jason Upton. Seriously.

I had heard him some before, but it never really connected before. In my book, you can't go wrong with a guy playing the piano and singing his head off to God. Especially when he reminds me of Keith Green, whose music I cut my musical teeth on. (He was my dad's favorite.)

This is the kind of music to play in the background if you need a sense of God's presence throughout the day. I know I need it.

Gluten-free bread

By request, (here ya go, Liz!) I will talk about my latest adventures in baking.

I got sick and tired of spending $5.50 a loaf (that's what it really costs) for a terrible loaf of gluten free bread, so I decided I would start making it. I'm not entirely sure it saves us much money because I'm still new to it and too lazy to add it all up. However, it certainly tastes better. I've been using this recipe, although I want to get some cookbooks and try some different ones. The ingredients are weird, but they can all be found at the health food store. And, this bread doesn't have to be kneaded. The hardest part is the long list of ingredients. I've been mixing up a HUGE batch of the flour mix and keeping it in the freezer to cut down assembly time.
So, there ya go. Try it, you'll like it! (maybe)

More on Community

My cousin Brian has been talking on his blog about building community for a while now. He's leading a Sunday School class on the topic (Right, Brian?). I thought these steps were fascinating. I think all friendships even go through these phases.

Gluten

Hannah had another gluten episode this weekend. It's been a very long time, yet it was still discouraging to me. Every time she goes for a while, I start to hope it's going away, or that God healed her, or that she's growing out of it, or something along those lines. We had lots of temper tantrums over the weekend. I have to remind myself those happen because she's not feeling that great. It's hard. She seems to be better today, which means we managed to avoid another exposure while eating out with my family this weekend. Always a good thing.

Today we're going to pick up the things we need to make gluten-free playdough. You wouldn't think of it, but playdough is made mostly of flour. As easy as it is to eat, and as quickly as fingers get stuck in the mouth while covered with just about anything, gluten-containing playdough is not a good idea. Thankfully, you can find recipes for just about anything on the internet. I'll have to post pics. I'm sure Hannah will have a blast.

Community

For those of you who don't know, I host a small group for moms with young children. Every Thursday morning, we all get together, bring our kids, and hang out. The kids play and we supervise and even get to chat some. It has been my sanity some weeks.

Actually, I first started it when I read the book Lifegiving. I stumbled across it at the library one day, and was very inspired by the portrayal of Godly hospitality in the book. I had just found out I was pregnant with Audrey, and Hannah was still under a year old, but I was compelled by the idea that I should be opening my home to other women. We were living in a 700 square foot home with hand me down furniture (still have lots of that!), I was newly pregnant with a young baby already, and I was feeling very insecure and sorry for myself. "Why would they want to come here, Lord? Many of them come from nice homes and they have it all together, and they have their own friendships." I complained a lot, but I couldn't get rid of the feeling. Finally, I started the small group out of obedience. I had never really felt "good" at hospitality. I didn't think I had anything to offer anybody, but I wanted to be obedient.

That was a year and a half ago now. This morning there were five of us. It has never really grown any bigger, but neither has my living room! We had a great time looking at each others' wedding pictures and laughing at the funny things our kids did. I'm so glad I obeyed.

What I really want from that group, is the old sense of community, of shared life. Growing up, my parents had friends they had grown up with. I remember BBQ's and pool parties and craft days with fondness. Colorado is a place most people "transplanted" to. There are few real natives around. So, there are few people with deep ties to...anybody. That's not the way we're supposed to do Christianity, or life as Christians. There's no way to succeed that way. We need interdependence. If we don't have it, we need to create it.

I want to have and be the kind of friends who can show up on your doorstep and you'll be glad to see them, whether the kitchen is clean or you have makeup on, or the kids are dressed...or not. Do people still have friends like that? I wonder sometimes..

Restaurant Survey

I've been tagged!

Here's the rules:
1. Name and link to the person who tagged you.
2. Name the state and country where you reside.
3. Name your five favorite local restaurants.
4. Tag others.

Kyla,
I get SO bored with the places we eat out! We have to have gluten-free choices, of course, and it has to be at least relatively cheap, plus, we are lazy here and don't like to drive more than a few minutes to go eat. On top of this, I find the thing I like and order the same thing every time we go somewhere. You locals, please, rescue me from restaurant boredom!

1. Cracker Barrel. This is comfort food. I get grilled chicken tenderloins and carrots, green beans and sweet potato casserole (that last one they only have on Thursdays). They have a wood-burning fireplace in the restaurant, and it is a nice place to go when it's 20 degrees and snowy outside. They also have this chocolate Coke cake in the winter that is to die for.

2. Qdoba. Not as spicy as Chipotle or Baja Fresh, but same idea. I usually get a naked (no tortilla) chicken burrito with mango salsa, guacamole, and lettuce. Hannah loves to eat a bowl of chicken, black beans, and rice. Easy!

3. Whole Foods Market. Yes, it's a grocery store, but ours has a hot food area. It's nice because Nick can eat pizza if he wants (good pizza, too) and we can get Hannah rotisserie chicken and brown rice, and I can have chicken salad or BBQ beef, or whatever looks good that day. They have a nice heated outdoor patio area where nobody cares if our kids yell a little.

4. P.F. Chang's. Yay for Asian with brown rice and no MSG. My mom and sister and I had lunch there last week and sat outside on their patio in the sunshine. It was wonderful. I get lemon chicken. Banana Spring Rolls for dessert. Yummy.

5.Ted's Montana Grill. A little old-timey, with wood floors and dark booths. Fun date place because it's quiet and private. They serve bison as well as beef, and it's really good. Especially their pot roast. I get pot roast sometimes (it's on the expensive side) or usually grilled chicken with avocado and a fried egg on top, and a sweet potato.

I wish there were more locally owned restaurants on this end of town. There probably will be in the next few years.

I tag (I say doing this in a comment is fair):
Saraw
TC
Flo
Liz T
Anybody else who wants to, chime in!

Secrets

I have recently found some answers to the questions I've been asking for the past several months. My questions about God, about staying home with my kids, about contentedness... The wrestling has paid off. I don't want to sound trite, so I've been hesitant to write about these things. Also the thought that I could share my heart and you, my reader, might find it boring, makes me keep some things to myself. Thus, the title of this entry. However, I love to pass on things I have learned, in the hope it might help somebody else. If I get to the root of the matter, that's probably what motivates this blog the most. So, here are some thoughts.

-I am getting up early to read my Bible and talk with God.If you know me at all, you know this getting up early is completely new for me. And yet it has changed my entire attitude during the day. If you don't already do this, please try it. I have found nothing else that changes the direction of our days and the tone in our home like this. There is no schedule, no organization, no book to read that can substitute for a living relationship with God. The difference between stumbling to the girls' room half asleep when they wake up, and meeting them fully awake, fresh from the Word is like night and day.

-If you find what makes your kids tick and work with it, it changes everything. For example, Hannah, as I've mentioned before, is an organizer. It is imperative to keep her living areas organized. My house is far from spotless, but her room and toy closet are organized, and that is the first thing I pick up when I straighten up. Before, she would get overwhelmed at anything. When her environment is not stressful to her, her whole temperament is different. Funny, I'm a whole lot like that. :)

-I got the book, "The Power of a Praying Parent" at the library. I will be adding that one to my bookshelves permanently. Prayer is the only thing I have found that silences my fears, helps me to stop carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, and helps me to process life. And it's not just me rambling to God, it's asking questions and waiting for a response. When it becomes a habit to listen for God's voice, it gets easier and easier to hear.I knew this at one point in my life, but this stage in life requires a whole new level!

-As soon as I think I've arrived, I get a firm reminder that it's about relying on God. Its not about the strength I can muster, it's about how much I can surrender and allow God to be my strength. Someone I know likes to tell me, "You can do it, you're strong." As much as I love that person, they have it all wrong. I'm only strong in my weakness, because that's when God takes over and makes everything turn out right. I can just see Him, watching me strive and strain, going, "Are you done yet? Can I do it now?"Far better that I start out letting Him do it than wear myself out first!

I will stop there, mostly due to the thunderstorm that keeps getting closer!

Voila'!

Curtains! I spent the evening last night doing this project. It didn't quit turn out as thick as I planned, so I think I'm going to get something to tack to the back of it. The girls were up at 6:15 today. This is not okay with me. I also need a tieback and something to mount on the wall to tie it to. But, this is a whole lot better than the blanket we've been hanging with nails to cover the window! Curtains have been one of those luxuries that have not been a high priority because we have (ugly) mini-blinds on the windows. I told Nick, "Look, we have curtains (on one window, anyway), we live in a real house!"

I understand now why stay at home moms typically get into doing projects like this - or knitting, etc.:
#1 - There is a right and wrong way to do it. If you do it the right way, it will turn out good. This does not describe much of what we do during the day.
#2 - You work on it, and eventually it is finished. It doesn't undo itself, or fall off the window, unlike dishes that always need to be done again, and diapers that always get wet again. That sense of accomplishment is nice.

Now I want to make Audrey a dress for her birthday in August...

Who are all you people?

Okay, so I've been getting 20 hits a day lately on this blog. I don't think I have that many friends, :) so I declare this national de-lurking day. I want to meet new people who like the things that I like. Introduce yourself!

This is cool!

Whew.

We had a busy week last week. Company for dinner, a recital for one of my students, starting potty training, Father's Day... It kept me hopping.

I've decided that potty training is a weird thing. First of all, it's messy. Whoa. Yuck. Second of all, it doesn't come naturally. I'm an intelligent, kind individual, you'd think I could figure out how to teach my kid to use the potty. Not so much. How do you get them to understand they need to use the toilet instead of their diaper? Here's what we've been doing:

Mom: sets the timer. When it rings, takes kid to the bathroom.
Kid: is dry when the timer goes off.
Mom: overjoyed that kid is dry, puts kid on toilet. Reads books, sings songs, and does cartwheels trying to keep kid entertained long enough so she can go.
Kid: doesn't get it
Mom: sighs and puts pull-up back on kid
Kid: goes.

This has been the past week. I have had days of great patience, and days I have felt bad about. I keep hoping for just one little success...

This week we're having company from Oregon. Cousin Ken is my mom's double cousin. My Gramma's sister married my Grampa's brother and had Ken, and therefore Ken is related on both sides of the family. He runs a family counseling-type ministry. He's a great guy and always a big encouragement to have around. I look forward to seeing him. His daughters are around my age and are both missionaries.

I only have one hour of piano to teach this week. Know anybody looking for a teacher? I need some more students.

I'm taking a poll: our 2002 Jetta is for sale. According to kbb, it's worth at least $7000, even with the dent in the passenger side door and the fact that the check engine light is on because some sensors need to be replaced. We could put money into it to fix those things, but with them fixed, the car is worth $8000 if we're lucky, and the repairs would probably cost more than that $1000. So, here's my question - would you buy a car like that? We really need to get rid of it and buy out the lease that ends in September, otherwise we have other issues to deal with. It's kind of a dilemma.

OK, I've done enough rambling for today. Have a great day!

Random Comments

1. I have nothing terribly profound to say today. Just warning you.
2. My computer isn't working well at all. I type a complete sentence, and then wait as it adds one-letter-at-a-time. It is incredibly frustrating.
3. I have decided to take Hannah's removing her diaper nonstop as a cue.Time to potty train, for real. She ran around the house all morning without one, and didn't go. Then, as soon as I put it back on, she went. She has yet to actually go on the potty. This process inspires a couple thoughts - #1, why is it so hard to communicate this process? Surely she doesn't enjoy going in her bed after removing her diaper. #2 - It must have been easier when people lived in tents and kids could just let loose until they got it figured out. I bet they trained a lot earlier.
4. Audrey went to sleep a baby and woke up a toddler in the past few days. She wants DOWN so she can PLAY! Now! She has a very specific agenda that you better not cross if you value your life (or your eardrums, mostly).
5. Date night tonight, the first one in about 6 weeks because of everybody being sick. Yay! Now, if we could just decide what to do...
6. It is supposed to be 90 for the next several days. Nobody here has air conditioning at home. We're going to cook.
7. The daycare my nieces were in just got shut down for neglect. A hearing will be happening in the next few days. It sounds bad. My nieces seem to be fine, thank God. This whole thing frightens me to the point that I could puke. Please pray about the situation if you think of it.
8. Yay for the weekend. We're heading to Denver for fun tomorrow.
9. I had company pretty much all day Thursday. It was so fun. And so tiring. Thus the reason for no posting the past couple days.
10. I've been reading an incredibly intriguing book called Holding Time. Although I wouldn't parent with this philosophy alone, I believe it is a tool that would help just about every parent. Especially with that one kid every parent has who is...a challenge?
11. This week I rather successfully became a morning person. We were up by 8 most days. This is turning over a new leaf for us. And mornings were so much more fun and easier. I actually made time for quiet times and had something constructive to think about throughout the day. I like it. I think I'll keep it.
12. Goodnight.

Sigh

In the past couple of days, I have cleaned up a few of the grossest messes I have ever seen in my life. I will spare you the details, but...wow.

Audrey

Audrey would love to be walking already. She always wants to get down and play. Kind of a dark video, but I'm testing out Blogger's new video upload and showing off my cute baby. :)

A stitch in time

I have never considered myself a terribly "crafty" person. I took sewing lessons from a homeschool mom for a couple of years, but I haven't touched a machine since. I have always been so caught up in my music that I didn't have time for much else. Well, I did stencil ivy leaves all over my bedroom walls when I was about 14. I was pretty proud of that. Anyway, when my sister offered to loan me her extra sewing machine a few weeks ago, I was excited and intimidated.

It's been sitting in my closet for about three weeks.

This morning, I decided today was the day. I found the sewing box my Gramma gave me when I was 10 (complete with pins, needles and seam ripper), brought the machine down to the dining room table, and sat there staring. Amazingly, I figured out how to wind a new bobbin and thread the machine, then I tackled my first project: a nightgown that has needed mending for months. Success!

The next project on the agenda is curtains for the girls' room. I bought some king-sized sheets at Ross yesterday to make into curtains. Hopefully I can get their windows covered effectively enough to stop the waking up at 5:30 am with the sunrise.

This made me smile today. I grew up with chickens in the backyard too. Apricots and chickens. Actually, the chickens enjoyed the apricots also.

Mmmmm...apricots. We got a whole bunch of them in our door to door order this week. Apricots hold a special place in my memories.

When I was growing up in southern California, we had a huge apricot tree in the middle of our backyard. I remember the taste of them, picked ripe right off the tree. I remember filling our old red wagon with fallen fruit and concocting all kinds of "recipes" with them. I remember climbing high in the tree to find that one perfect apricot - firm, fuzzy skin with a soft, juicy inside that tastes like sunshine. Orange with just a blush of pink. You bite and it falls apart and the small brown seed drops into your hand.

Eventually, our tree became infected with some sort of bug that slowly killed it. We had someone come and remove the tree the following summer. I wasn't more than 10, but I still remember the feeling of losing that tree. Standing on the stump where I had formerly climbed a 30 foot tree was a sad experience.

But, I still smile when I bite into an apricot. They are sunshine and wind and freedom and fun.

Old and New

I don't know what it is, but I love old buildings. They are rich with stories, ones that remind us of another time in history is is long gone. Sometimes part of me wishes I had been born 100 years ago. The pace of life, the ability to live off the land you own...these things appeal to me. I know that is the romantic image of it, and that life was usually very difficult then, but it still appeals to me.

I would have loved to see Colorado Springs before it was built up. The undeveloped areas are so beautiful, I can only imagine what has been leveled in favor of a new Super Target. I've never really been able to put my finger on what makes development so sad to me. It's a positive thing. It makes life more convenient and give us more things we can do for fun. At the same time, every time Hannah watches Cars, I cry at the Our Town song.

We bought a shelf off of Craig's List for Hannah's toys from a woman who lives in this nice, old section of town. I would love to live down there. A quaint old house with a fence around the yard and a huge garden... If only it wasn't 30 to 45 minutes from everything else we ever do.

Anyway, I could totally see myself participating in a historic preservation society at some point in time.

Nick's Birthday

Nick opening his cards and gift - I got him The Reagan Diaries. We'll see how many years it takes to get through that one.












Hannah and I building sandcastles at the Pueblo Reservoir swim beach. Please see this post and remember that I am a California girl before making any bathing suit judgments. And yes, my back is fried. Thankfully, Hannah's is not. :)












I love this picture.










We had a great day.

Door to Door Organics

Does this picture even need an explanation? Well, it does I guess, but only because you've never seen how beautiful it is to get a box full of wonderful fruit and vegetables delivered to your door. I don't do it every week, but it sure is exciting when I get to. They have these kinds of delivery services popping up all over the nation. If you're not in the area, you still might have a service like this one.

Cute

If I ever end up with a kid who likes pacifiers, I want one of these!

Oh, Happy Day

Waterdeep has a new album to be released later this year. You can hear 2 songs here.

Where to start...

So, sometimes life gets just hard enough that you don't want to write. After three weeks + of sickness in the house, I came to the end of myself. :) Really, it didn't even take that long. As of tonight, I have an extremely sore throat, but no other symptoms, and the girls are finally well. I don't know why in the world we all got so sick this time, but we did. Actually, I think I do know why.

Thoughts I have had (you have plenty of time to sit and think philosophical thoughts when you're sitting up all night with sick kids):

-Why me?
-Poor me.
-What about me?

Then I started actually applying the five books I've been reading (I usually read that many at once), and had some more productive thoughts:

-1 Tim. 2:15 says, "But women will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety." I have had two women who I greatly respect tell me they believe this means the act of laying down your own life and your own agenda is what helps us women to become Christlike.
-Hannah obeys so much better when I give her specific one-on-one time, and mean what I say when I say it. I had gotten a little bit lazy with her discipline. I hate labeling kids because I don't think it's productive, but The Strong Willed Child is just about the most helpful book I have read in a long time. One thing I like about it is that he assumes I am a competent, loving parent. When you explain to a loving parent how they can lovingly help their kids mind (and there any multiple ways, not just spanking), the home can be peaceful and happy rather than full of anger. Spanking does not equal anger, kids out of control because their parents don't know what to do with them equals anger.
-When we spend the money (it only took about $100) to make our home a more beautiful place to live, I actually want to be there. Profound...
-It is only in laying down my own agenda for the day that I can be at peace when I stay home with my kids. This is the hardest stinkin' thing to do, but when I can do it, the freedom in our home is incredible.
-I have been a Christian for as long as I can remember, and I have never learned a life of prayer. I'm learning it now.
-I am more confident in my value to God than I have ever been. I think I have spent my entire life being defined by my accomplishments and talents. Talk about being behind the scenes...motherhood will take the pride right outta ya.

I guess I'll quit there. This has been an intense time of introspection for me. I'm excited to see where God is leading me as a woman, a wife and a mother. And also where He'll take me in worship ministry, because there may be some opportunities there in the coming months. I feel like I got a fresh start, and all because of some dumb flu bug... Funny how God works these things out.

It is over yet?

We're still sick...

I'm disinfecting the entire house today. I found this great list of homemade cleaners online. The only thing I don't have is Borax, but the disinfectant is easy. Plus, no nasty chemicals.

Priorities and Schedules

Kim's post today and the links she includes were very encouraging to me. Kim has nine, yes, nine children. This is the kind of person I was talking about that would have to know how to make a household work! :) The common thread I find in most of the reading I have done about household management in a Godly way focusing primarily on the tone in the home. The house can be spotless, but if the kids are undisciplined and unhappy and the marriage has been neglected, it would still be a miserable place to be.

Kim's comments about stopping right away to work with children who need you really resonated with me. Hannah had been having some attitude issues recently, and in doing some reading I have realized the problems weren't with her as much as they were with me. We moms simply cannot afford to be lazy, or to avoid dealing with stuff. An angry lecture a few minutes too late is not an appropriate substitute for attentiveness and quick action. I have seen this play out in our home this week. Things have been much happier.

This reminds me of a family I saw yesterday while sitting in the waiting room at the doctor's office. A very heavy (like, maybe 300 pounds), very tired looking mother herded her four children in to the waiting room while we sat. My intent is not to be critical of this woman, but I could hardly keep from watching the drama that unfolded. The two youngest boys were stinkers. They were into everything, and very unkind to each other and to their sisters. One of the daughters was there for some sort of injury, and when she was called to the back, the other three kids stayed in the waiting room alone. As soon as the mother left, the girl lit in to her brothers, "You're too close to the tv! Move! Leave that alone! Stop it!" She got louder and louder until everyone in the waiting room had turned to look and make a judgment about the situation.
Eventually the mother came back to sit some more and found her daughter extremely frustrated and practically screaming at her brothers. She sat that little 8 year old down and proceeded to lecture her in front of everybody, not letting the kid get a word in edgewise, about what Jesus would do and how she always acts like this. You could see the rage on the girl's face. In five years I can only imagine how she will feel toward her mother if that continues. It made me sad. I wonder if the reason the girl got it instead of her brothers, is that the mother has given up on the boys. She was alone and did not appear to be currently married. I can only imagine what it would take to raise four kids alone, and especially to raise two boys that were handfuls.

There's no way for me to help or judge in the case of that family, but I do know what I want my home to be like. I don't want to have to raise my voice for my children to mind, even if it means spanking them when it's appropriate. I want my home to be a peaceful, joyful place to be, even if it means I don't get to do what I want to do, when I want to do it. The quest continues....

Happy birthday to me

I am 27 years old. I used to think that people, once they reached 27, knew something about life and about themselves. I suppose I know SOMETHING, but not nearly as much as I would have expected by now. I keep saying and thinking, "I'm a real grownup now - I'm 27 and I have two kids. Weird."

The day started out low-key, which is always my favorite. Nick did end up staying home from work, so he made me some breakfast, and then I lazed around reading some while the girls played and Nick worked a little at the dining room table. After that I went and finished my dining room table painting project. It looks pretty good, I must say. Now I just need to find some cheap chairs. The green folding ones we've been using since we got married aren't working so well for me.

We then headed up to my parents' house to say hi and for Nick to work for 30 minutes or so on something that couldn't wait. Audrey started out the day feeling better, but as the day went on, she looked worse and worse. She wouldn't smile, her coloring was terrible, her eyes looked awful...and then she started fussing nonstop. My mom was concerned, which only furthered the concern I already had. My mom is not the interfering type, and she has rarely said anything like, "if that was my kid, I would have had them to the doctor by now." So, off to the doctor we went.

This was momentous for us. Audrey has never been to the doctor for a sick visit. Hannah has been once. Neither of my kids has ever been on antibiotics except for Hannah because I had a uterine infection at her birth. With the natural health stuff I love, there has been no need. However, this thing, whatever it was, was nasty. The doc checked Audrey out and found huge wax buildup in her ears, and once it was removed, found slight ear infections and a sinus infection. I'm fairly sure that the reason for the ear infection was the wax buildup, which runs in Nick's family - it just doesn't come out for some reason, but we are doing...dun, dun, duhhhh...antibiotics for the first time. And, it is a relief to me.

The longer I am a mom, the more I realize that I don't have all the answers, and there is no one right way to do things. I love doing things the natural way, but when it comes to a 9 month old who has been sick for more or less a week, there's a time and place for balance I believe. If I was really hardcore about this, the colloidal silver that I wrote about a couple weeks ago does knock out ear infections. And the sinus thing would be connected to her ears being blocked. And when her sinuses cleared, her pink eye would finally go away. But it was time to quit.

I guess it might sound like I'm making excuses here for something I don't need to excuse. It's possible, I suppose. Mostly I'm once again working through "there is no formula." I want there to be a formula to MAKE my kids be strong and healthy. In reality though, kids will get sick no matter what and God is the one who heals, not penicillin or colloidal silver. The natural medicine stuff is only wisdom, not magic.

At any rate, this was not the birthday I expected - two hours in the after hours clinic because the kids' ped was overbooked today. But, Hannah singing "hallelujah" along with the worship music in the car, dancing with Audrey while looking in the mirror, kisses from my husband, the obnoxiously huge happy birthday balloon and roses from my mom and sister...these things made me smile. I am blessed.

Today

-Audrey has a REALLY gross nose and eye thing going...but at least she has mostly stopped whimpering nonstop and her fever is gone. This is an improvement. Poor little thing. I feel so sorry for her!
-My birthday is tomorrow, but I think we are going to pretend a different day is my birthday so that we can play with well kids, instead of trying to play with sick kids. I have mixed feelings about this, but I keep reminding myself that I can make the decision - nobody made it for me. And we can still have just as much fun, just not tomorrow.
-Nick says this is my birthday weekend, so I got to do whatever I wanted. Hannah and I went to church while he stayed home with Audrey, and I spent the afternoon staining the dining room table (I bought it for $11 before we got married, and just now am getting around to fixing it up!), and also cleaning out the garage. It was exactly what I wanted to do today - isn't that weird?
-I'm making tacos for dinner. Yummy.
-I gotta go cook taco meat. Bye now.
-I know, this is the most thrilling blog ever.

I am a hermit

...Or at least I have felt like one these past two weeks. It seems that when you decide to handle sickness the natural way, everything takes a little longer than most people are used to. 5 days of fever for each kid, a nasty cough, runny noses, coughed up...bodily fluids, pink eye gunk, and long nights with one hour of sleep at a time. This has been my last two weeks. I'm so sick of bodily fluids I could puke. Plus, I'm tired, cranky, and lonely.

But, they are getting better. We're on day 3 with Audrey, which, if hers follows the pattern of Nick and Hannah, means tomorrow will be better. And it is June now, so hopefully this is the last of the sickness for a few month. Hopefully.

So, if you've been trying to reach me and I haven't called back, I'm holding whimpering babies and trying to keep up with laundry full of pink eye germs - not ignoring you. So far I have escaped the bug - pray that I will!